• Running is the ideal form of exercise for people who sincerely wish to become middle-class urban professionals. Whereas the lower classes don't run except when their kerosene heaters explode, today's upwardly mobile urban professionals feel that running keeps them in the peak form they must be in if they are to handle the responsibilities of their chosen urban professions, which include reading things, signing things, talking on the telephone, and in case of extreme upward mobility, going to lunch.

• That's why at the end of the working day, when the lower classes have passed out facedown in the Cheez Whiz, you can drive down the street of any middle-class neighborhood in America and see dozens of professionals out running with determined facial grimaces, burning off calories, improving the efficiency of their cardiovascularsystems, increasing their muscle flexibility, and ultimately staggering off into the bussshes to die.

• Even as you read these words, thousands of designer-sportswear-clad bodies are rotting in the bushes of suburban America, and the only reason you don't hear more about it is that the next of kin generally don't report the disappearances, because they are quite frankly pleased that they no longer have to listen to the runner blather on and on about his or her cardiovascular development.

• Of course, not all runners die in the bushes. Many fail to make it that far, because of knee injuries. To understand why, let's look at this anatomical diagram of the interior of the human knee.

• Although from the outside your knee feels like a croquet ball inserted in the middle of your leg, it is in fact a complex organ consisting of bone, muscle, thong, and mucilage. The knee provides adequate support for everyday activities, such as renewing magazine subscriptions or gesturing at cretins in traffic, but it is not designed to withstand the strain placed on it by running, where each time the runner's foot hits the pavement, the knee is subjected to 650,000 kilocycles of torque, and even more if the runner has been dropped from a helicopter. This is why it is so very important to choose the right running shoe

Choosing the Right Running Shoe

• Time was, of course, when there were no running shoes, only "sneakers", which were bulky objects that were expensive and had essentially the same size, weight, and styling characteristics as snow tires.

• But today's topflight running shoe is a triumph of sophisticated, computer-designed, laser-augmented, fully integrated, infrared, user-friendly technology and space-age materials packed with dozens of medically proven health and safety features, and all combined into a small and lightweight unit that, surprisingly, costs no more than a black-market infant.

Choosing the Left Running Shoe

• Most running experts and bankers recommend that you wait until you've completely paid for the right running shoe, including insurance, before you plunge in and buy the left. When you do, shop around for a shoe that is as similar as possible to the other one, except insofar as which foot it goes on. This is, of course, assuming that you intend to wear both shoes simultaneously.

What to Wear on the Rest of Your Body

• You should, of course, wear a 'Designer Wear' Running Garment made from a synthetic material that has a name like the leader of a hostile reptilian alien invasion force in a space movie, such as "Gore-Tex".

• The beauty of these materials is that they actually "breathe". If you listen carefully with your ear to the Closet, you might actually hear your garment in there, breathing and occasionally chuckling softly at some synthetic joke it just heard from.

Where to Run

• One good place to run is in the Olympic marathon, because
  (a) you have to do it only once every four years, and
  (b) you have an armed motorcycle escort,
  so if people try to thrust liquids and fruits at you, which is a common problem in marathons, you can order your escort to fire a few warning rounds into their chests. The big drawback with running in the marathon, however, is that you have to consort with a bunch of sunken-eyed running wimps.

• This is why many people prefer to run, unescorted, on the streets of their own neighborhoods. The big problem here is dogs, which will view you as an intruder and may attack you, especially if they can smell fear on your body. This is why the wise runner carries a small spray can of a chemical originally designed for use by mail carriers. If a dog attacks, you simply spray this chemical into your nose, and within seconds you don't feel the fear of any damn dog. Be careful that you don't stare directly into the sun.