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  • Why You Should Watch What You Eat
    In our great-great-grandfather's days, nobody had to worry about proper nutrition, because people lived on farms and ate wholesome, natural foods. Whenever they needed meat, they just went out and whacked off a sector of the family cow. When they needed bread, they just cut down some wheat, then they threshed it, then they took the grain and starting grinding it up, then they said, "Nah, the hell with it; let's just eat sector of cow tonight

    Today, unfortunately, most cows are grown by giant multinational corporations, who feed them harmful preservatives day and night for the express purpose of killing innocent consumers. Many cows are so full of toxic chemicals that they explode right in the pasture, leaving behind only billowing clouds of greenish fumes, which cause acid rain. You have the same kind of problems with white bread and refined sugar, both of which, if eaten, cause death within hours. This is why it's so important in today's world, that you watch what you eat, at least until you get it inside your mouth. After that, it gets pretty disgusting

  • How your Digestive System Works
    Your digestive system's job is to turn food into useful body parts. To save itself a lot of aggravation, your digestive system has a policy whereby it turns a given food into the body part most similar to it.

    Thus hard boiled eggs become eyeballs, cauliflower comes brains, mixed vegetables become the pancreas, Polish sausages become male sexual organs, candy canes become bone, little yellow-covered marshmallow Easter chickens become pus, beer becomes urine, and so on. If you eat a kind of food that does not resemble any known body part, such as a pink Good ‘n' Plenty, your body turns it into fats.

  • Eating a "Balanced Diet"
    To make sure your digestive system gets the "raw materials" it needs, at every meal you should eat at least ONE food from each of the 15 Basic Food Families: Fruits, Vegetables, Meats, Fishes, Loaves, Hors d'Oeuvres, Canned Goods, Jellies, Snacks, Shakes, Additives, Eels, 'those little wax bottles' filled with Colorful Sugar Water, Pez, and Spam

  • What You Can Learn from Reading the Labels on Foods
    Virtually nothing.
    If the product contains some dangerous chemical, you don't think the label writer, who has a mortgage and kids with braces just the same as you do, is going to risk his job by saying so, do you? Of course not.

    This is why all labels are written in label jargon, such as "This product contains not less than 0.02 percent of rehydroxylated glutonium or abstract of debentured soybean genitalia, whichever comes first." The more of this kind of jargon you see, the more likely it is that the label writer has something to hide.

    So instead of trying to understand the words on the label, try and figure out the average number of syllables per word. If the average is two or below, the product is probably safe to eat in small quantities. If the average is three or four, you're probably dealing with a product that causes grave concern in laboratory rats. If the average is five or more, you should set the container down very carefully and RUN!

  • About Vitamins
    Vitamins are little pills named A, B, C, D, E and K that the Doctors, Medical Practitioners and even Government Health agencies recommend you have certain amounts of. These recommendations are based on the requirements of the Minimum Daily Adult, a truly pathetic individual that the government keeps in this special facility in Washigton, D.C., where he is fed things with names like riboflavin."

    Some Physicians pooh-pooh the value of vitamins, but this is because you can get vitamins into your body without the aid of such physicians. But the truth is that vitamins are very good for you, and each morning you should take a vitamin A pill, followed by a vitamin D, followed by an E, until you have spelled the healthful mnemonic phrase "A DEAD CAD BAKED A BAD CAKE, ACE."

    This will probably be plenty of vitamins for you, but be alert for the Four Major Warning Signs of Vitamin Deficiency, which are:

    • Nosebleeds
    • A sudden fondness for Wayne Newton
    • Unusually thick coats on wooly Caterpillars
    • Death

  • Vitamins in food
    Foods contain vitamins. Your mother must have told you this. (She might NOT have told you that the vitamins are always in the most repulsive part of the food.) If you were eating a potato, for example, she'd say, "Be sure to eat the skin, that's where the vitamins are."
    They learn this in Mother School. So with any given food, you should always eat the skin or, if it doesn't have a skin, the rind, the core, or the pit. If it doesn't have any of these, you should eat the wrapper.

  • Minerals in Food
    Food also contains minerals such as zinc, iron, magnesium, steel, and aluminum. The whole idea that there is metal in food, especially blatantly soft food such as Twinkies, is absurd. The only idea more absurd is the deranged notion that eating metal is somehow good for you. If God had wanted us to eat metal, He would have given us much better teeth. Isn't it?

  • What about Fiber?
    Fiber is definitely the number one hot trend in the world of natural health, threatening to break all the old records set by "pH balance." Remember, back in the 70's when every product you bought-food, shampoo, tires-was advertised as being pH balanced, even though nobody ever knew what the hell it meant? Well, it's like that with fiber today, and so naturally it is recommended that you eat all the fiber-rich foods you can shove down your throat.

  • A Philosophical Discussion of Vegetarianism
    This is a touchy subject as many people feel it is wrong to eat animals, on the ground that animals have souls. One the deepest respect for this position, but it may also sound silly without offence to any religious group, especially if it is armed.

    Can someone say with authority that toads have souls? If not, is it okay to eat toads?

    Another example is hamburger. There is no way to tell, just by looking at a hamburger, where it originated. We believe it is from cows, because we are told this by burly cleaver-wielding men in Chicago with bloodstained garments, but we would not have come to this conclusion independently. So hamburgers may be fine. Lobster, on the other hand, is out. There is no way you could not know you were eating a lobster. When you walk into a restaurant, often the first thing you see is a large tank containing lobsters wearing handcuffs and trying to scuttle behind each other so you don't get to use the kind of euphemisms you use with cows, such as "beef" or "steak": you say, "I'll have a lobster," and when they bring it to you, you just get this naked lobster, and you're supposed to eat it. I think this is wrong, and I imagine it goes without saying that I also feel very strongly about blatant organs, such as tongue.

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