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STEPPARENTING
Children do not want a “new”
parent. They just want the old one back.
Remarriage may seem like salvation to the adults
involved; to the children it can be just as
traumatic an event as the breakup of their
natural family. It can be especially devastating
if it happens too quickly, while the child is
still mourning the loss of the old
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Parents
often feel that if they marry someone who
wasn’t involved in the separation or
divorce, their children will accept them more
easily. This isn’t always the case. Very
often children maintain the fantasy that somehow
their parents will get together and things will
be as they once were’ after a remarriage
the “vacant place” is filled and the
fantasy destroyed once and for all.
“I know it’s
stupid when I’m practically grown-up now
– and Dad left when I was 10 – but
it makes me feel funny, him having another
family that isn’t us. It isn’t that
I don’t like Jose, my father's other son -
we get along pretty well. But I don’t like
the idea of the new baby at all. I feel
it’s taken my place.”
When parents remarry,
children have to adapt to two households
with different house rules and different
expectations. The may not be quite sure where
they belong, and divided loyalties will almost
always make it hard to form a close relationship
with a stepparent.
“When my mother left my dad and me,
I sort of coped, but I really hate the idea that
she’s going to get married again. I guess
I always thought she’d come back some
time. At least I hoped she would. I think my dad
felt the same way. Now I know there’s no
chance.”
Even if children grow to
like a stepparent, it may seem an act of
disloyalty to the real parent to show it.
The problems are worst when the stepparent
brings children from a previous marriage into
the household. Young boys often form good
relationship with their stepfathers, but there
is some evidence that the relationship tends to
be more difficult if the boys is nine years or
older at the time of the remarriage.
The younger the child, the
easier it may be to develop a good relationship
with a stepparent.
What should you do?
For some teenagers the
relationship is never easy. The more rejected
they feel, the more miserable, aggressive, and
disruptive they are likely to become. Indeed, it
may seem as though they’re trying to
disrupt the new marriage altogether.
Realize that, as far as the
children are concerned, their lives have
been completely disrupted. Where there are going
to be obvious problems (a child who may have to
be turned out of or share his or her room, for
example), talk these over with the people
involved so that at least they know you’re
aware of the problem and are trying to solve it.
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When two sets of children
are coming together, work out with them what
the ground rules are going to be. Be totally
pragmatic about this, accept that there are
going to be difficulties, that the two families
will be used to doing different things in
different ways, and that what you have to do for
the moment is to find practical ways to help you
all to live together without too much friction.
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COPING WITH STEPPARENTS
If your parents
have divorced or if one has died, you’ve
probably become used to living with only one
parent, sharing responsibilities, and being
treated as an adult. If there’s new parent
in the household, it may be upsetting. Even if
you know him or her well, there’s a big
difference between someone coming as a visitor
and someone moving in for good.
Ideally your stepparent and your own
mother or father should realize that this is
going to be a difficult time for all of you, but
they may seem to you to be insensitive or
tactless. They may be more concerned with their
relationship than with anything else. The truth
is that your father or mother and your
stepparent are just as likely as you are to be
worried about how things will work out. They may
also not like admitting that they don’t
know how to behave or don’t always know
best.
Building a new
family unit is going to be difficult for all of
you. It will also take time. Almost certainly
you will all make mistakes and there will be
times when you feel very miserable and left out,
especially if you’re the only child. You
can’t be expected to “love” a
stranger just because your mother or father has
found a new partner. You may find it difficult
even to get along with them. But it’s just
as likely that you will get along with them very
well. This is not being disloyal to your own
father or mother and you don’t have to
feel guilty. You should try to think of a
stepparent as an extra. Certainly they are not a
substitute. Even if you rarely see your own
mother or father, or they have gone away or
perhaps died, they are still your mother or
father. Adults have ex-wives and ex-husbands;
children do not have ex-parents. If a new
stepparent trying to take over the running of
the family upsets you, then say so. You will
probably find it easier to talk to your own
mother or father first, or possibly to a
grandparent. Tell someone else anyway, and get
your feelings out into the open.
You may find it hard to spend some time
each month with each of your separated parents
and their new partners. It may be difficult for
you to feel that either household is your real
home, especially if there are other children.
Again, try to talk to someone about your
feelings. If your own parents are not
sympathetic, you may find there is another
family friend or relation to whom you can turn.
Don’t try to handle it all on your own.
Everyone needs someone to share their troubles
with.
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