ADOPTION
Families with adopted
children are no more or less likely to run into
problems during the child's adolescence
than any other families. If your child is
adopted, however, then it's natural
- when times are troubled and you're
engaged in an unprofitable "when did we go
wrong" exercise - for you to believe
the adoption lies at the root of the problem.
This is very seldom true. Almost always when
problems do arise in adoptive families, the
cause is conflict between the personalities
involved, just as in any other family; but when
there is conflict, the adoption may act as a
further complication. Teenagers who are getting
along very badly with their adoptive parents,
for example, may start to fantasize about their
real parents or decide they want to see them
out. Every country has its own laws about
allowing adopted children access to information
that would enable them to trace their biological
or "birth" PARENTS. A few adopted
children do decide they would like to do this,
and although usually they do so through
curiosity or a need to know about their past
- rather than unhappiness with their
adoptive family - it is always desirable
for them to have counseling before they embark
on such a search.
" My parents
have always seemed very reluctant to talk about
my adoption, or to tell me anything about my
natural parents. They Hate to be reminded of it.
I think they would find it unbearable if they
knew I wanted to search for my natural parents.
So I've decided not to say anything to
them. If I find my real parents I may tell Mum
and Dad or I may not. I really don't
know."
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FINDING YOUR REAL
PARENTS
Not
everyone who's been adopted wants to find
out about their biological or
"birth" parents, or to make contact
with them. Still, many do - especially
during adolescence, when you begin thinking much
more about who you are.
Wanting to find
out about your birth parents doesn't
usually mean that you don't love your
adoptive parents or that your want to replace
them. You should remember, however, that
although your adoptive parents may understand
your need to find out who you are, they may
still feel nervous about the search. They may
feel afraid of losing you, or sad because
they've done their best for you and now
feel this was not enough. These feelings are
understandable - just as understandable as
yours are in wanting to search for your birth
parents. In most countries there is a legal age
at which you have a right to see your birth
certificate, and to search for your birth
parents if you want to. But many experts believe
that, even at 18, most people are still too
vulnerable and unsettled to be able to cope with
the difficulties and emotions such a search can
involve. It's probably best to wait a few
years if you feel you can. Your search may have
a happy outcome: it may even provide you with a
new and fulfilling relationship. But before
starting to search, you have to accept that you
may be disappointed. You may not like the parent
you find. If you've thought about them a
lot, you may have built up a picture of them
that turns out to be quite unlike the real
thing. They may not welcome you or want to be
found. You have to be ready to deal with these
possibilities.
If you do decide to go
ahead, it's a good idea to join an
organisation that will give advice and practical
help. You can occasionally obtain details of
your birth records without much difficulty. The
information you'll be given may include
your mother's name and occupation, too.
This may be all you feel you want. To trace your
parents so many years later will usually involve
a good deal of time and detective work; it can
prove expensive, too.
" I always
knew I was adopted, but it didn't matter
to me because I never felt I was loved any less
than my sister. But when I was about 15 I
realize how different I was from the best of the
family, and I started to think about my real
parents : what they were like, whether I looked
like them, whether they ever thought about me,
what they felt about having me adopted. I just
wanted to know. But my adoptive parents seemed
really hurt and upset. My dad said,
"Don't you think of us as your real
parents? I had to reassure them that
they'd been fantastic. I just wanted to
find out more about
myself."
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