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HAIR

Assuming you shampoo your hair at frequent intervals, and that you are not one of those repulsive males who, apparently feeling that there is some sort of grave threat to the world's grease supply, let their hair go for weeks at a time without washing it, such that if one of their pillows ever caught fire, it would burn for days.
But men, even if you do use shampoo regularly, it's probably the wrong kind, by which I mean it probably consists mainly of shampoo, with perhaps a dash of pH.
This is not good enough. Women discovered years ago that if you want true hair beauty, your shampoo must contain foodstuffs. Some women prefer fruits and vegetables, such as apricot and avocado; others prefer poultry products, such as egg; others prefer liquor, such as beer. Some even prefer-this is the absolute truth coming up here-human placentas, which makes for a very expensive shampoo because, believe me, the shampoo factory has to pay the workers a lot of money to stuff those suckers into the bottles.

And why is it so important to have food stuffs in shampoo? That science question can be answered in three syllables: follicles. Follicles are little organs that live in your skull, thousands of them, and produce your hair. To produce hair, they need protein, and to get protein, they need to eat, just as you do. Women are constantly shoving egg and beer down their tiny throats, which is why, as you have no doubt noticed, women generally have gobs of hair. Men. on the other hand, practically starve them to death----you can eat only so much pH, and then you just don't want to see another bite---which is why so many men go bald.

A Sincere Discussion of Baldness
Too often in our insensitive society, baldness is treated as a joke, so lets begin this sincere discussion by stating that,although many are fortunate enough to be blessed with a very full and attractive head of hair, there are a few experiencing anguish and inner torment on a daily basis. But, it's not your fault you're bald, is it? Well, okay, it is your fault because you let your tiny helpless innocent follicles, which had never so much as said a mean word to anybody in their whole lives, suffer a horrible death by starvation while you were out laughing and eating pizza with friends, but there's no point in dwelling on that now. The question is: What can you do about your unfortunate condition?

One approach, of course, is to get a wig. The advantage of wearing a wig is that you don't look quite as stupid as you would if you went around with a giant red clown nose on. The main disadvantage is that a wig costs a lot more than a large, hand- lettered sign around your neck that says "WIG", which is equally effective.

Another approach is to get a hair transplant. This is a procedure whereby a person who has completed all three weeks of Hair Transplant School, which he enrolled in because he flunked Whack-a-Mole-Game-Machine Maintenance School, takes hair from somewhere else on your body and puts it on top of your head. The advantage of this approach is that you do, in fact, end up with hair growing on your head.
The disadvantage, of course, is that it has to come from somewhere else on your body, which means either

(a) you have hair growing up there that originated in your armpit or some other disgusting locale or
(b) they have to take the hair off the side of your head, which is not necessarily a great stride forward for you in the looks department.

Finally, there are ads for all kinds of alleged "miracle" hair-growing pills, creams, lotions, and potions in the backs of sleazeball publications such as Penthouse and Great Looking MEN, which make all kinds of outrageous claims such as they can "stop the spread of baldness" and "restore lost hair" and even "grow hair on a billiard ball". These claims, of course, are totally false, except the one about the billiard ball, which government researchers recently discovered is true, the drawback being that many of the balls also developed tumors.

So unfortunately, balding men, there is little to offer you in the way of hope at this time. If only somebody would develop a proven scientific guaranteed effective totally safe miracle hair-growth substance!

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