HAIR
Assuming you shampoo your
hair at frequent intervals, and that you are not
one of those repulsive males who, apparently
feeling that there is some sort of grave threat
to the world's grease supply, let their hair go
for weeks at a time without washing it, such
that if one of their pillows ever caught fire,
it would burn for days.
But men, even if you do use shampoo
regularly, it's probably the wrong kind, by
which I mean it probably consists mainly of
shampoo, with perhaps a dash of pH.
This is not good enough.
Women discovered years ago that if you want true
hair beauty, your shampoo must contain
foodstuffs. Some women prefer fruits and
vegetables, such as apricot and avocado; others
prefer poultry products, such as egg; others
prefer liquor, such as beer. Some even
prefer-this is the absolute truth coming up
here-human placentas, which makes for a very
expensive shampoo because, believe me, the
shampoo factory has to pay the workers a lot of
money to stuff those suckers into the
bottles.
And why is it so important to have food
stuffs in shampoo? That science question can be
answered in three syllables: follicles.
Follicles are little organs that live in your
skull, thousands of them, and produce your hair.
To produce hair, they need protein, and to get
protein, they need to eat, just as you do. Women
are constantly shoving egg and beer down their
tiny throats, which is why, as you have no doubt
noticed, women generally have gobs of hair. Men.
on the other hand, practically starve them to
death----you can eat only so much pH, and then
you just don't want to see another bite---which
is why so many men go bald.
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A
Sincere Discussion of Baldness
Too often in our insensitive
society, baldness is treated as a joke, so lets
begin this sincere discussion by stating
that,although many are fortunate enough to be
blessed with a very full and attractive head of
hair, there are a few experiencing anguish and
inner torment on a daily basis. But, it's not
your fault you're bald, is it? Well, okay, it is
your fault because you let your tiny helpless
innocent follicles, which had never so much as
said a mean word to anybody in their whole
lives, suffer a horrible death by starvation
while you were out laughing and eating pizza
with friends, but there's no point in dwelling
on that now. The question is: What can you do
about your unfortunate condition?
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One
approach, of course, is to get a wig. The
advantage of wearing a wig is that you don't
look quite as stupid as you would if you went
around with a giant red clown nose on. The main
disadvantage is that a wig costs a lot more than
a large, hand- lettered sign around your neck
that says "WIG", which is equally
effective. |
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Another approach is to get a
hair transplant. This is a procedure whereby a
person who has completed all three weeks of Hair
Transplant School, which he enrolled in because
he flunked Whack-a-Mole-Game-Machine Maintenance
School, takes hair from somewhere else on your
body and puts it on top of your head. The
advantage of this approach is that you do, in
fact, end up with hair growing on your head.
The disadvantage, of course,
is that it has to come from somewhere else on
your body, which means either
(a) you have hair
growing up there that originated in your armpit
or some other disgusting locale or
(b) they have to take the
hair off the side of your head, which is not
necessarily a great stride forward for you in
the looks department.
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Finally, there are ads for
all kinds of alleged "miracle"
hair-growing pills, creams, lotions, and potions
in the backs of sleazeball publications such as
Penthouse and Great Looking MEN, which make all
kinds of outrageous claims such as they can
"stop the spread of baldness" and
"restore lost hair" and even
"grow hair on a billiard ball". These
claims, of course, are totally false, except the
one about the billiard ball, which government
researchers recently discovered is true, the
drawback being that many of the balls also
developed tumors.
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So
unfortunately, balding men, there is little to
offer you in the way of hope at this time. If only somebody would
develop a proven scientific guaranteed effective
totally safe miracle hair-growth
substance!
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