understand the importance of warming up,
let’s take a look inside a typical human
muscle. As we can't see anything, it’s
probably very dark inside a human muscle. This
means that most of the time the individual
muscle cells are fast asleep.
purpose of your warm-up routine is to allow
these cells to wake up gradually—to
stretch, to stretch, to go to the bathroom, etc.
If you just start jerking them around,
they’re going to be very cranky, and they
may develop a condition that professional
medical doctors call a “Charley
horse,” which is usually fatal.
WARM-UP NUMBER 1:
Clearing your mind of
worrisome thoughts: You can’t loosen
up effectively if you’re worried about
nuclear war, or the likelihood that somebody
might steal your wallet while you’re doing
your exercise routine.
initial warm-up step should be to lie down on
your back with your knees bent and your feet
planted 17 inches apart, then with your left
hand overlapping your right, clasp your wallet
to your chest, raise your head to an angle of
about 36 degrees Fahrenheit, and watch
“Happy Days” or a similar television
situation comedy rerun where they never talk
about the likelihood of nuclear war, as shown in
Figure 1. Hold this position until about a
minute and a half before your neck develops a
“crick,” which is usually fatal.
WARM-UP NUMBER 2:
Letting your muscles know
you’re about to start moving. Lie
facedown on your wallet with your legs together
and your arms away from your body at an angle of
about 2 degrees, then have a friend or hired
servant place his or her face about an inch from
your various major muscle groupings, and say, in
a pleasant, musical voice, “Everybody up!
Time to start warming up for a Fitness Workout!
your friend listen closely to your muscle
groupings for the sound of good-natured cellular
grumbling. If necessary, he or she should prod
them very gently with the eraser of a number 2
pencil, such as you used on your college boards.
WARM-UP NUMBER 3:
Putting a tape of loud rock
‘n’ roll-type work-out music on a
ghetto blaster-type stereophonic listening
you have probably wondered about for many years
is why musicians who sing rock ‘n’
roll tend to be extremely thin, if not actually
dead, whereas those who sing, say, opera, tend
to be humongous wads of cellulite.
for this phenomenon, scientists now believe, is
that fat cells are actually destroyed by stupid
lyrics. In one recent experiment, scientists at
the University of Iowa reduced a live 450-pound
hog to an object the size of a harmonica in less
than six hours by repeatedly playing the chorus
to “Shake Your Groove Thing” at it.
your tape on your getto blaster, lie on your
back with your legs about 7.5 inches apart and
your wallet clamped in your left armpit, raise
your right arm gradually until you can insert
the workout tape into the getto blaster device,
press the “play” button, then
gradually return your arm to the floor and just
lie there for a while, spent.
warmed up? Great! Let’s start getting fit!
Do each of the exercises below twice on the
first day, 4 times the second day, 8 times the
third day, and so on, each day doubling the
previous day’s number until, after just
two weeks, you’re doing each exercise over
1,000 times! And hemorrhaging internally! So
let’s get started!
EXERCISE 1: LEG HEFT
Lie on your back, legs
slightly spread, arms resting on the floor,
palms down. Have an accomplice grasp you by your
ankles and lift your legs about 18 inches then
attempt to guess their combines weight.
EXERCISE 2: THIGH
Lie on your
stomach with your face resting on a New York
Times “Fall Fashion Supplement “
opened to a photograph of a model who consumes
fewer calories in an entire year than you do at
a single wedding reception. Slowly reach your
hands down and grasp yourself by the left thigh,
then the right, and then close your eyes and
moan quietly in despair for a count of about
EXERCISE 3: SINCERE
ANNOUNCEMENT OF INTENTION TO CHANGE DIETARY
You and a
partner stand facing each other about three feet
apart, legs comfortably spread, knees slightly
bent, eating from individual one-pound bags of
Wise brand potato chips. You say, “First
thing tomorrow I swear to God I am definitely
going too go on a diet, I really mean it.”
Your partner responds, “Yes, me too. i
definitely will go on a diet also. I believe
there is a vat of Lipton brand California-style
onion dip in the refrigerator.” Then you
exchange places and repeat the exercise.
EXERCISE 4: BREAST
space was to be used to describe an amazing new
Scientific Discovery exercise that enables any
woman to develop, within minutes, two large,
firm breats such as are regularly featured on
television star Loni Anderson. But it's time
that we, as a liberated society, got over this
juvenile and demeaning fixation with breasts;
and so this particular amazing, risk-free, 100
percent effective exercise is omitted from our
When you exercise, your muscle cells take
in molecules of oxygen and give off molecules of
sweat, which work their way to your armpits. For
your cooling-down phase, lie on your back with
your arms laced behind your head and your elbows
on the floor, thus exposing a maximum of armpit
area and allowing the sweat molecules to escape
into the atmosphere as harmless BO vapors. This
would be an excellent time to start worrying
about nuclear war again.