WARM-UP NUMBER 1: Clearing your mind of worrisome thoughts: You can’t loosen up effectively if you’re worried about nuclear war, or the likelihood that somebody might steal your wallet while you’re doing your exercise routine. Your initial warm-up step should be to lie down on your back with your knees bent and your feet planted 17 inches apart, then with your left hand overlapping your right, clasp your wallet to your chest, raise your head to an angle of about 36 degrees Fahrenheit, and watch “Happy Days” or a similar television situation comedy rerun where they never talk about the likelihood of nuclear war, as shown in Figure 1. Hold this position until about a minute and a half before your neck develops a “crick,” which is usually fatal.

WARM-UP NUMBER 2: Letting your muscles know you’re about to start moving. Lie facedown on your wallet with your legs together and your arms away from your body at an angle of about 2 degrees, then have a friend or hired servant place his or her face about an inch from your various major muscle groupings, and say, in a pleasant, musical voice, “Everybody up! Time to start warming up for a Fitness Workout! Then have your friend listen closely to your muscle groupings for the sound of good-natured cellular grumbling. If necessary, he or she should prod them very gently with the eraser of a number 2 pencil, such as you used on your college boards.

WARM-UP NUMBER 3: Putting a tape of loud rock ‘n’ roll-type work-out music on a ghetto blaster-type stereophonic listening device One thing you have probably wondered about for many years is why musicians who sing rock ‘n’ roll tend to be extremely thin, if not actually dead, whereas those who sing, say, opera, tend to be humongous wads of cellulite. The reason for this phenomenon, scientists now believe, is that fat cells are actually destroyed by stupid lyrics. In one recent experiment, scientists at the University of Iowa reduced a live 450-pound hog to an object the size of a harmonica in less than six hours by repeatedly playing the chorus to “Shake Your Groove Thing” at it. To put your tape on your getto blaster, lie on your back with your legs about 7.5 inches apart and your wallet clamped in your left armpit, raise your right arm gradually until you can insert the workout tape into the getto blaster device, press the “play” button, then gradually return your arm to the floor and just lie there for a while, spent.

THE ACTUAL WORKOUT
All warmed up? Great! Let’s start getting fit! Do each of the exercises below twice on the first day, 4 times the second day, 8 times the third day, and so on, each day doubling the previous day’s number until, after just two weeks, you’re doing each exercise over 1,000 times! And hemorrhaging internally! So let’s get started!

EXERCISE 1: LEG HEFT Lie on your back, legs slightly spread, arms resting on the floor, palms down. Have an accomplice grasp you by your ankles and lift your legs about 18 inches then attempt to guess their combines weight.

EXERCISE 2: THIGH GRASP Lie on your stomach with your face resting on a New York Times “Fall Fashion Supplement “ opened to a photograph of a model who consumes fewer calories in an entire year than you do at a single wedding reception. Slowly reach your hands down and grasp yourself by the left thigh, then the right, and then close your eyes and moan quietly in despair for a count of about eight seconds.

EXERCISE 3: SINCERE ANNOUNCEMENT OF INTENTION TO CHANGE DIETARY HABITS You and a partner stand facing each other about three feet apart, legs comfortably spread, knees slightly bent, eating from individual one-pound bags of Wise brand potato chips. You say, “First thing tomorrow I swear to God I am definitely going too go on a diet, I really mean it.” Your partner responds, “Yes, me too. i definitely will go on a diet also. I believe there is a vat of Lipton brand California-style onion dip in the refrigerator.” Then you exchange places and repeat the exercise.

EXERCISE 4: BREAST DEVELOPMENT This space was to be used to describe an amazing new Scientific Discovery exercise that enables any woman to develop, within minutes, two large, firm breats such as are regularly featured on television star Loni Anderson. But it's time that we, as a liberated society, got over this juvenile and demeaning fixation with breasts; and so this particular amazing, risk-free, 100 percent effective exercise is omitted from our discussion here.

COOLING DOWN
When you exercise, your muscle cells take in molecules of oxygen and give off molecules of sweat, which work their way to your armpits. For your cooling-down phase, lie on your back with your arms laced behind your head and your elbows on the floor, thus exposing a maximum of armpit area and allowing the sweat molecules to escape into the atmosphere as harmless BO vapors. This would be an excellent time to start worrying about nuclear war again.