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    American Football
    Archery
    Athletics
    Australian Football
    Badminton
    Baseball
    Basketball
    Bowls
    Canoeing
    Cricket
    Cycling
    Darts
    Diving
    Fencing
    Field Hockey
    Golf
    Handball
    Ice Hockey
    Ice Skating
    Judo
    Lacrosse
    Motor Racing
    Netball
    Rugby Football
    Rowing
    Ski-jumping
    Soccer
    Table Tennis
    Volleyball
    Wrestling

GETTING STARTED

  • One of the most exciting aspects of getting into fitness is that you get to wear modern fitness-oriented clothing, and saying to the world around. "Look, I purchased some fitness-oriented clothing."

  • Up until about 15 years ago, the only fitness clothing available for men was the plain grey sweat suit, which we fitness experts now recognize as totally inadequate in terms of retail markup. Fitness wear for females consisted of those high-school gym outfits colored Digestive Enzyme Green; there was no fitness clothing available at all for adult women, because the only forms of exercise deemed appropriate for them were labor and driving station wagons.

  • As the fitness craze developed, however, all kinds of "active sportswear" became available from famous designers who think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but who would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing. Today it's not uncommon for people to wear their active sportswear to the shopping mall, to work, to the opera, to state funerals, etc.

  • The point is, you want to choose your fitness-program clothing carefully because chances are you'll be wearing it to do much more than just exercise. In fact, you'll probably be wearing it to do everything but exercise, since there is growing medical evidence that exercise can made you tired and sweaty.

BASIC FITNESS FASHION LOOK FOR WOMEN

  • This is, of course, the leotard and tights, which is the preferred outfit because it shows every bodily flaw a woman has, no matter how minute, so that a woman who, disguished in her street clothes, looks like Victoria Principal will, when she puts on her leotard, transform herself into Bertha the Amazing Land Whale.

  • This encourages her to exercise vigorously and watch what she eats. She cannot, of course, drink anything, as there is no way to go to the bathroom in a leotard and tights.

  • Many a woman who suffers an exercise-related injury during an aerobic workout is forced to lie in great pain for hours on her exercise mat, trapped, while frustrated rescue personnel wait for the helicopter to bring the various specialized torches, saws, and other equipment they need to free her from her tights and leotard so they can render medical treatment.


Important Advice Concerning Danskin Brand Thermal Calf Protection Devices
Several years ago, a crack team of medical fashion experts determined that cold air tends to form pockets around the calves of fashionable, fitness-oriented women. This breakthrough discovery explained the sudden upsurge in calfrelated hospitalizations that occurred at the oneset of the fitness craze and soon reached epidemic proportions. If only we had known then the importance of wearing Danskin brand thermal calf protection devices!" So, do not view these devices as just another semiretarded fashion trend. View them as essential medical protection, every bit as important as lip gloss

BASIC FITNESS FASHION LOOK FOR MEN

  • What most of you Men want is a fashion look that gives you freedom of movement but at the same time displays, in large letters, the names of at least three major manufacturers of sporting equipment.

  • Also you want to wear a headband and wristbands to absorb the tremendous outpouring of sweat that we males emit when we are engaged in strenuous masculine physical activity.

  • If you are one of those unfortunate males who does not emit tremendous outpourings of sweat, you should purchase, from the Nike Corporation, a container of "Pro-spiration" sprayon sweat droplets, which you apply discreetly in the locker room before you begin your workout

  • Ideally, of course, you will also sport some evidence of a semi-crippling football injury. The best kind is a medical knee contraption of such enormous size and complexity that your racquetball opponent will feel like absolute pond scum if he hits the ball anywhere other than directly to you.

  • Or you might want to look into a new product from the Adidas Corporation called "The All Scars," which are large, realistic, and extremely repulsive synthetic removable knee scars patterned after those belonging to famous battered sports legends such as Joe Namath.

FITNESS WITH COMPUTERS

  • Can you use a personal home computer in your fitness program? You bet!

  • Computers are incredibly versatile machines that can do everything from screw up your airplane reservation to cause an income tax blunder that gets you sentenced to a life term in a slimy walled federal prison so utterly desolate that the inmates pay rodents for sex! So, they're a "natural" for the fitness movement!

  • One obvious way to use a computer, of course, is to record your daily fitness statistics such as weight, height, age, etc., on it, using a felt-tipped marker. But the best way to really unleash the power of a computer is to lift it up and set it down repeatedly, thus building muscle mass and definition.

  • As you become stronger, you can gradually add weight, in the form of "disk drives," until eventually you move up to a heavier computer and perhaps someday even reach the point where you can hoist what computer bodybuilding enthusiasts call a "mainframe" computer!

  • For the average person who does not have a background in data processing, I generally recommend starting out with a 35-pound computer. Unfortunately, computer weights are measured not in pounds, but in "K s" (as in 512K), which stands for "kilograms." There is a way to convert kilograms to pound, but it is almost always fatal, so I recommend, as a wise consumer tip, that you go through your entire planned computer-lifting routine right at the store with several reputable computers, checking each for heft, balance, and tendency to break into 600,000 tiny pieces when you lift it over your head and drop it, before you actually purchase anything.

  • Of course, some of you geeks may even want to plug your computer directly into the wall, thus allowing electricity to flow through it.

That's all there is to it! In less than five minutes, you have accomplished, using a computer, a data-processing feat that would take 60,000 trained mathematicians 1.3 billion years to accomplish, and even longer if you let them go to the bathroom!

Choosing the Right Place to Get Fit

  • Basically you have two options: your living room, or a fitness club.

  • The advantage of getting fit in your living room is that it's free and you can scratch yourself openly. The disadvantage is that your living room is where you keep your little dish of M&Ms for gests, which means you'll actually gain roughly a pound of ugly fat for each week of your home fitness program.

  • So you should probably join a fitness club such as you see advertised in the newspapers by photographs of attractive models wearing leotards fashioned from a maximum of eight leotard molecules. Before you join such a club, you should take a tour conducted by one of the fit and muscular staff persons. This person should show you various rooms and equipments, then hold your head under a whirlpool until you agree to buy a membership.

  • Here's a useful checklist of the features a good fitness club should have:

  • A powerful odor of disinfectant

  • Various species of hairs in the sinks

  • Signs all over the place reminding you that the management is not responsible

  • A loudspeaker system playing LOUD soothing musical numbers

  • A door that says "WEIGHT ROOM" that you never venture through because large sweaty men go in there and emit noises like oxen with severe intestinal disorders

  • Two women in the sauna who are always there, no matter what hour of the day or night, talking loudly about growths in their pelvic regions

SAUNAS

  • The word "sauna" is Finnish for "very hot little room with strangers in it, breathing funny," and people who've tried it agree that it's very invigorating, provided you get out in time.

  • If the door sticks or anything, you have about as much chance of survival as the unfortunate corals who happened to be residing on that reef where we donated the original hydrogen bomb, because the usual temperature inside a sauna is 180 degrees, which you may recognize as the recommended final temperature for cooked turkeys, very few of which live to tell about it.

  • This high temperature is, of course, very good for you because your body contains traces of toxic minerals such as lead, which get in there when you get drunk and eat paint, and the heat helps you sweat them out. Here's a quote from an authoritative journal:
    "Sweating is a significant route for eliminating trace elements from the body"

  • So that's the good news. The bad news, of course, is that these trace elements have to go somewhere, presumably onto the sauna seat, which means if you use a spa sauna, you're lounging around on a lot of other people's trace elements

  • So you might want to build your own sauna at home, which is a lot easier than you think. All you need is a few simple hand tools. Using your hand tools, construct a handcrafted little wooden room that has a bench inside it and a sign on the door that says "WARNING! REMOVE ALL CLOTHING AND JEWELLERY AND DENTAL FILLINGS AND PACEMAKERS!"

  • Now all you need is a way to raise the internal temperature to 180 degrees. You could always set fire to the sauna, of course, but then you'd have to handcraft a new one every time you wanted to use it, which would leave you with very little time in which to eliminate your elements. So I suggest that you take the more practical route, which is to plug in 40 toasters. They'll give you all the heat you need, plus you'll get a healthy aerobic workout clambering around in there trying to keep all the little levers pushed down. Keep the telephone number of the Burns Unit in the Hospital, handy.

Okay! Now the remaining question is…..

When to Actually start your fitness Program Not today, certainly. You've done enough today! I would rule tomorrow out, also, seeing as how it comes so soon after today. You rush into these things, and the next thing you known you've strained a ligament or something. So I would say the best time to begin would be first thing after Easter, although not the one coming up.

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