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DIETING AND WEIGHT CONTROL

  • The Simple, Basic, Obvious Truth about Losing Weight
    Obviously, the only sane way to lose weight, and to keep it off, is to keep off high cal foods.
    And get yourself on, and then stick to, a regular, planned, conscientious program of purchasing newly published diet books. Some that are recommended include:

    • The Handsome Sincere Random Doctor Medical Diet
    • Poop Yourself Thin
    • The Elvis Presley Memorial Diet
    • The Total Tapeworm Diet
    • How to lose Weight in Depression
    • Weight Loss Plan
    All of these books and thousands more are just as good, many of them offering such proven and time-tested features as consecutively numbered pages.
    One theory is that Desserts Makes You Fat and so here is a diet plan designed to encourage you to skip the dessert... Here is as typical day's menu:

  • BREAKFAST

    • Froot Loops
    • Eclairs with side orders of bacon
    • DESSERT: One slice whole wheat toast

  • LUNCH

    • Snickers
    • Fries
    • Any number of cheeseburgers
    • DESSERT: Cottage cheese

  • DINNER

    • Dixie cup filled with sugar
    • Melted Turkish taffy soup
    • Big lumps of chocolate with fudge sauce
    • DESSERT: That pathetic lettuce festooned with clearly visible insect eggs

Some people have tried this diet for several weeks, and found that not only were they able to skip many desserts, but they could'nt sleep as well.

Common Questions Often Asked about Losing Weight

Q.

Do I actually have to read my diet books?

A.

No. There is no medical evidence that reading leads to weight loss. Simply keep the books in a prominent location in your home, and occasionally press them against your thighs and buttocks.

Q.

Is there any kind of operation I can have that will help me lose weight?

A.

There are quite a few such operations, but probably the most effective one, with the fewest negative side effects, is to have an airline pet transporter bonded to your skull with fast-drying epoxy cement enabling you to eat only those foods which will pass through the mesh door, such as fettuccine and licorice.

Q.

What about absurd mechanical weight loss devices, such as those motorized belts that were always shown jiggling the massive hips of pasty middle-aged females?

A.

These devices are extremely effective. The fat just melts away. Two such females, in fact, went on to become Bo Derek and Victoria Principal. This is why you never see those machines in health clubs any more: The clubs took them out because their members were leaving at an alarming rate to accept lucrative film contracts. This is a shame, really, because it leaves the weight-conscious person without any kind of guaranteed, surefire, safe, proven weight loss device. If only somebody would make such a device available to the general public.

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