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DEALING WITH DOCTORS

To get the most out of a doctor, you have to understand how he perceives the world, which is best summed up by the last sentence of the Hippocratic Oath:

"AND ABOVE ALL, REMEMBER THAT THE PATIENT HAS NABISCO BRAND SHREDDED WHEAT FOR BRAINS."

Yes, doctors tend to feel just a tad superior to the general public, but this is understandable. Doctors are generally smart people, the kind who were attending meetings of the National Honor Society while you were leaning out the study hall window seeing if you could spit on passing nuns. In college and medical school, doctors spend years associating with other smart people and learning complicated things like the location of the pituitary gland. When they get out, the last thing they feel like doing is consorting with a bunch of cretin patients, who not only have no idea where the pituitary gland is, but also are often sick besides.

So the important rule to remember when you're dealing with a doctor is this: never tell him what you think the problem is, even if you're absolutely certain. If you tell him what you think, he'll become irritated and go out of his way to prove you're wrong:

YOU: Doctor, I think I have suffered a knife wound to the stomach.
DOCTOR (sneering) :Oh you do, do you? And what makes you think that?
YOU: Well, several hostile urban youths accosted me on the street and stuck a knife in my stomach. See? Here's the knife handle, sticking out of my stomach.
DOCTOR (examining your foot): That could be caused by any number of conditions, such as an amalgamation of the pyloric valve or an interdiction of the right epistolary oracle. I'm going to send you to the hospital for some tests next week.

The phrase "send you to the hospital for some tests" is medical code for "drain all the blood out of your body" which is why today when you go into the hospital, various personnel are always lunging at you with needles. They are very conscientious about this because they don't want to get a nasty note from the doctor ("3PM-Patient still contains traces of blood! Let's not let this happen again").
If blood removal doesn't work, they start taking out your organs. Usually they start with organs you have two of, such as kidneys, then move up to the really vital ones, so it's very important that you convince the doctor you're getting better while you still have a chance to survive:

DOCTOR: So! How are we feeling today?
YOU (hastily): Fine! Great! Never felt better!
DOCTOR: (Frowning at your chart): Really? Are you sure? Because I see by your chart here that You still have several organs left, and we could...
YOU (staggering out of bed, trailing intravenous tubes):
No! No! Look! I feel terrific! (You attempt a deep knee bend, then collapse in agony.)
DOCTOR: Okay, but I'll be back to check on you in an hour.

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