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    American Football
    Archery
    Athletics
    Australian Football
    Badminton
    Baseball
    Basketball
    Bowls
    Canoeing
    Cricket
    Cycling
    Darts
    Diving
    Fencing
    Field Hockey
    Golf
    Handball
    Ice Hockey
    Ice Skating
    Judo
    Lacrosse
    Motor Racing
    Netball
    Rugby Football
    Rowing
    Ski-jumping
    Soccer
    Table Tennis
    Volleyball
    Wrestling

CENTER-CITY JOGGING

  • Although a few forward-looking hotels now offer a service whereby a staff person from a 'developing' nation will do your running for you while you are in various meetings, in most cases you must still attend to this tiresome chore yourself.

  • This isn't so bad if your hotel is located in, say, Nebraska , where the only danger you face on the street is that you might trip over a pig. But it can be a real problem if you're in a large urban area such as New York City, where the vast majority of the people on the street are drug addicts, pickpockets, muggers, rapists, murderers, or partners in advertising agencies.

  • This doesn't mean you can't run: it means you must take steps to protect yourself. A gun will do you no good. It would just be stolen.

  • What you need is a safety device designed especially to solve this problem- the Urban Runner's Simulated Gaping Chest Wound, which operates on the proven scientific principle that no urban resident will go anywhere near a person who is clearly in desperate need of help. With your Simulated Gaping Chest Wound strapped on, you can jog anywhere you want in New York City, and you'll attract no more attention than the apparently deceased persons sprawled on the sidewalks, or the random street lunatics holding lengthy debates with individual oxygen atoms. For extra privacy, you can purchase the optional 3,500 Simulated Maggots Eating Your Body accessory.

  • Another innovative executive fitness product is the Heavy Briefcase. This appears from the outside to be a normal leather briefcase, but hidden inside is a 350-pound weight! (There's also a roomy compartment capable of holding your cigarette, or part of your pen.) Executives who regularly carry the Heavy Briefcase report a dramatic improvement in arm length.

  • The In-Flight Workout Device is a portable device that, when folded up, fits inside a handy steamer trunk that can be carried on board a commercial aircraft, provided you purchase two adjacent first-class seats for it, yet unfolds after takeoff to form a complete "airborne gymnasium". It features a sophisticated electronic digital computer "brain" that not only monitors your pulse rate, but also has a new and improved electronic circuitry design which would correct the unfortunate problem whereby it was somehow seizing control of the automatic pilot and steering planes into various mountains, which is, of course, a violation of federal regulations.

Untitled Document

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