few forward-looking hotels now offer a service
whereby a staff person from a 'developing'
nation will do your running for you while you
are in various meetings, in most cases you must
still attend to this tiresome chore yourself.
isn't so bad if your hotel is located in,
say, Nebraska , where the only danger you face
on the street is that you might trip over a pig.
But it can be a real problem if you're in
a large urban area such as New York City, where
the vast majority of the people on the street
are drug addicts, pickpockets, muggers, rapists,
murderers, or partners in advertising agencies.
This doesn't mean you
can't run: it means you must take steps to
protect yourself. A gun will do you no good.
It would just be stolen.
need is a safety device designed especially to
solve this problem- the Urban Runner's
Simulated Gaping Chest Wound, which operates on
the proven scientific principle that no urban
resident will go anywhere near a person who is
clearly in desperate need of help. With your
Simulated Gaping Chest Wound strapped on, you
can jog anywhere you want in New York City, and
you'll attract no more attention than the
apparently deceased persons sprawled on the
sidewalks, or the random street lunatics holding
lengthy debates with individual oxygen atoms.
For extra privacy, you can purchase the optional
3,500 Simulated Maggots Eating Your Body
innovative executive fitness product is the
Heavy Briefcase. This appears from the outside
to be a normal leather briefcase, but hidden
inside is a 350-pound weight! (There's
also a roomy compartment capable of holding your
cigarette, or part of your pen.) Executives who
regularly carry the Heavy Briefcase report a
dramatic improvement in arm length.
In-Flight Workout Device is a portable device
that, when folded up, fits inside a handy
steamer trunk that can be carried on board a
commercial aircraft, provided you purchase two
adjacent first-class seats for it, yet unfolds
after takeoff to form a complete "airborne
gymnasium". It features a sophisticated
electronic digital computer "brain"
that not only monitors your pulse rate, but also
has a new and improved electronic circuitry
design which would correct the unfortunate
problem whereby it was somehow seizing control
of the automatic pilot and steering planes into
various mountains, which is, of course, a
violation of federal regulations.